These are troubling times we’re living in, and that feeling of anxiety and dread is evident no clearer then by the fact that fashion is currently obsessed with pants that are not pants.
When we say “pants that are not pants,” what we mean is that fashion is trying to sell us pants that do not have the two credentials you’d assume an article of clothing have to have in order to be considered pants: Covering your butt and both of your legs, even just a little bit.
Don’t believe us? Well, just one example of this hellscape of not-pant-pants we’re living in now is Topshop’s latest offering of entirely clear, plastic pants that they’re selling for $100.
According to Topshop’s website, they are 100% Polyurethane, so exactly two words come to mind when we see these: Moisture buildup. And that ain’t pretty.
Imagine, like, walking two blocks in these and then you feel that sticky feeling of sitting in a plastic lawn chair for too long on a summer day, except your entire legs and butt are sweating and dripping and sticking, and then you look down and realize, like, oh, I’m building a fucking environment in my pants right now.
We wouldn’t risk it.
A few months ago, Topshop was selling a less egregious form of these pants, which just had plastic over the knees, for reasons we have not identified yet.
Of course people were freaked out, but in actuality, those were pants, because they met the credentials of covering your butt and some part of your legs.
Want another one example? Cuz we have it! How about these half pants, that don’t even bother to cover half of your legs and butt, therefore removing itself from the “pants” category.
These sprung up just a little over a week ago as a “Coachella trend,” which should tell you everything you need to know about how unnecessary and truly cruel they are to even try to exist in this world we are living in.
And we aren’t even done yet. In early April, right around the time of these half-pants, there were what we’ll be calling “the butt pants.” These butt pants come from a partnership between the obscure French brand Vetements and Levi’s and they come equipped with a zipper right down the butt.
That’s right. Right down it.
Imagine sitting down in these. Imagine dancing in these. Imagine walking in these. Imagine doing anything in these and not being deathly afraid of that tiny little zipper revealing your whole butt.
Asking price? $1,767.
But it’s not just not-pant-pants that are drawing attention. Even regular pants, by our very scientific definition above, are being tampered with, creating this culture of outrage surrounding pants, something people apparently have strong feelings about.
Some of the things these Fox people had to say about them? “They’re for people who wanna pretend they have a dirty job.” “It’s for the trust fund baby. It’s for the kid who inherits the millions of dollars, the kid who doesn’t want to work hard and wants to go into Nordstrom, pay a lot of money and act like they work.” (Feel free to watch more of the outrage here.)
Now, we don’t know about all that, but for the record these are pants. Really, they are! Look at the way they cover both the butt and actually, for once, the entire leg. It’s a miracle!
So why include them in this list? Well, it’s just another sign that when it comes to pants right now, the fashion world is trying to fuck with us. Like, really fuck with us.
So fashion industry insiders, designers and, yeah, Instagram influences, we beg of you: Give us pants that are pants. We have enough to worry about already.